I have been gone a while. I do that. In fact, I am just that way. Vagabond? Adventurous? Running? Maybe all. That is my guess. The sea calls me and I hear her. She called me once someplace between the Persian Gulf and the Pacific Coast of Japan. I stood there, watching her waves, rolling and the magnificence that is she. She called to me to join her, I know she would remove all my pains, all of my worries and forever cradle me within her. The Darkness was compelling. I got distracted and never jumped. Something still calls. Hauntingly seeking me out no matter where I am.

I used to be frightened but no more.

I have been called crazy and odd and strange and all of those things.

It used to hurt but no more.

I am sometimes asked how I have survived so much pain. How do you answer that question? I cannot say really. The Magic that is GOD. That really upsets Christians because it is so broad. God is broad.
I really had no choice. I was destroyed in the early 90's by what I felt then was the most complete love I had ever had. I was fooled, used, tricked and humiliated. My soul had been bruised and beaten and left for dead, so I died too. I ended up in a safe place of sorts. My supposed lover, my oneness, came after me with lies of love and tenderness and understanding. I followed.

It was not for me and loving me. It was for him. My emotions embarrassed him and his bigoted, putrid father in the no name town they resided. I don't think they were aware that they were viewed as trash in that town long before and long after me on reasons all of their own.

Knowing my life was worth nothing to him. Nothing. Remove me from a safe place to save himself embarrassment with no regard at all for my safety. Never understanding my darkness. Never wanting to. Never even caring. Love me? Never.

He did ask me to stay and live in his parent's basement. Hahahaha. I am pretty sure my leaving caused him embarrassment. Gods forbid.

I carried myself away, Weighted in infinite pain ironically completely EMPTY.

I returned for my things a few weeks later. My glitter had faded, but, my need for him remained. I did not understand it then. He had pushed me down a flight of stairs and left me there. I stayed in a homeless shelter with a group of battered women. I parked my car on the street. I remember the last cold morning. I saw him, red light, his car 5 feet away from mine. No recognition. It was the last time my heart bled for him. Dripping, pooling blood upon the frozen ground as Terry Mikel Krause drove over the bloody pool of my love, smoking a fucking cigarette while it was me that inhaled all of his poison - once again.

So yes, the feeling never leaves. But, I do. I have. My masks grew in number. Ripped of all shine, I still remained. Where was I to go? Who was I? What happened to me? How did I lose myself so easily? Why?

I leave. I have tried to stay. I am not good at staying. I search....

I know so many do not understand me. I may have hurt many, leaving. But, I can never do to another what was done to me. I must be truthful or I just don't love you.

And, for almost all - I do love you. My biggest gift, oftentimes, is leaving. Especially when you cannot do it yourself.

Well you know I'll find a way

The feeling remains even after the glitter fades.

For me it's the only life

That I've ever known

And love is only one

Fine star away

Even though the living

Is sometimes laced with lies

It's alright

The feeling remains

Even after the glitter fades

The loneliness of a one night stand

Is hard to take

We all chase something

And maybe this is a dream

The timeless face of a rock and roll

Woman while her heart breaks

Oh you know the dream keeps coming

Even when you forget to feel

 Eternally - ValFreya the Grey

My Soul

The Dark Side of God

I have been making it a practice to thank all sides of the ALMIGHTY - the light, the dark, the male and the female.

I have to say my focus has been a little off but I have felt less anxious overall. I have been reading a text called The Chaldean Magic. It is a study of the roots of known magic from the Accadians. It just makes me want to run to France and hit every museum they have.

The author is kind of an ass. He elevates conjuring and ritual magic yet condemns witchcraft or folk magic as sinful. His uppity condescension is not lost. There are still so many of "him"; Namely, the Catholic Church of which I belong and have since birth. I find it amusing how a human decides what is bad and what is good and so on. This joker even quotes the Bible out of one side of his mouth and speaks demonology out of another. He is a pretentious fool. The subject matter is academically sound if you can drudge through all the unwanted opinion. 

I recently got my hands on a Scandinavian trolldom. What a find! Some of the spells are quite funny such as: A spell to make your neighbor's cow unruly for him. It is has many more of modern value but the oldies are certainly goodies. 

I will have to share more of them. 

Interestingly, back to the original topic: I went to see fireworks on July 04, 2016. Normally, mosquitoes kill each other to get to me. It is sad really. They love my blood! So, I decided to ask Mother Lilith to protect me from her tiny nighttime vampires being that I am her daughter and all. She granted me my ask! All around me people were slapping and spraying on bug spray. I got 3 bites. Just 3! I thanked her and let her know the 3 bites I got were accepted because after all she has to be a little devious, right?

I cast a shadow circle once this past year. It gave a cool sensation as they swirled around me. Protecting me. I haven't gotten to where I can take them in and be under control but I will get there. 

Right there as I cast my energy and ask - two of the candles fell over at a very pivotal time in the ritual. That was such a strong reaction that it took me by surprise. My faith was forever increased. 

Additionally, I went to the basement later and realized that I had indeed called Lilith's creatures and out they came - into my basement! Icky. They have since gone back home. 

Got to keep on keeping on....

I have been gone for a little while. I found myself hospitalized for 11 days! Perhaps it was retribution for any magic I have cast?

I was in a lot of pain. I was actually bleeding inside and had lost a large amount of blood. It has taken quite a long time to almost get back to normal.

But, that is the way of the universe. Balance. You cannot expect not to pay for that which you witch for. LOL.

I have been looking for a group of like minded people online, off-line, you name it. It is just really difficult. I am not too sure many people see things the way I do. Then there is the possibility that I am far too serious when it comes to my religion.

I watch the video I have posted here and wonder what it would be like to share a mind or consciousness. Can you imagine the power coming from 5,7 or 13? Amazing.

I would love that.

Enjoy.

SpellsOfMagic.com & Binding Books

So, I joined SpellsOfMagic.com  and out of 46 views (which is low, btw) of introducing myself only one person responded. LOL is right. Now, how is it that white witches can't speak to the grey? or the black speak to the grey? It baffles me. Neither extreme can exist alone and there have to be some of us to balance.

I promise, it won't rub off on them.

There are many people on the site that look like persons that I would enjoy communicating with. However, some are just so very, very young and I do not have time to teach because I am so hungry to learn . NOW. I also do not want to get inundated by requests for love spells and sex enchantments and that nonsense.

The site overall is great. There is a lot of information and you can literally spend hours just looking around. I will certainly support them.

Spells of Magic's site also has online covens, which make me smile. I just reviewed them and I am not certain I really fit into any one group. So, solitary I stay. One can join many but I do not have the energy and time to spare for anymore than one group, if that. 

I have been wanting to create and bind my own manuscript. I hope to get rather good at it and be able to make my own paper well. I could then offer my services to those like me and create the special order, leather bound books that are so very rare. Can you imagine, the perfectly bound, leather, sacred, blessed book to fill with what you know and learn and hand down to your family? I envision pages made on the full moon of birch shavings which behold the very best energy work that is devoted to the full moon energies and rose petal pages devoted to Mother Mary, the Goddess and devotions to her for all of the intercession she has given and will continue to give. Magically bound with hand spun fibers filled with the pieces of you that matter the most and then the pages sewn together. The entire grimoire bustling with the energies that charge each page, each work and each success, each failure. A legacy to share with your blood so that they may grow from you and carry on the traditions of seeking GOD/DESS began by your ancestors.

Crafting, Black, White , Green or Grey... well, I suppose it is determined by the day.

I craft grey.
I can not see a world where only extremes exist. I have been reading St. Augustine's Confessions in English and am happily surprised. So far, it explains much of the grey.
I cannot envision a good undefined by the bad or the bad undefined by contrasting good - and all that is in between.
I call the omnipotent: GOD. GOD reigns over all and is sexless as far as I know.
It stands to reason that in believing that GOD made all then God also made the black as well as the white, one simply does not exist without the other. It cannot. Otherwise it is without definitions as we know them here.
So, how can anyone, a crafter or not, explore this? Isn't denying or hating one or the other denying or hating about half of all that is your creator? your GOD?
I am a Christian as well. Maybe not in the sense of what most people define Christian but I believe that Jesus Christ crafted and explored and realized what I hope to learn. You can hate me for it, you can open an intelligent dialogue all the while knowing that you will NOT change my mind 99.9% of the time. I am not here to change yours so please do not try and "save" me. You cannot. I am saved whether you believe it or not, whether you accept my definition of "saved" or not. The one thing I am certain of is that YOU cannot save ME. So, please don't try.
Jesus Christ leads me to salvation and has condemned NOTHING which GOD has given for my path, This includes all colorful craft. I simply chose grey. White of light and dark of night, illuminate love and conquer in fight. I protect my own with every atom of my being. I can love but cannot yet conquer and safeguard with only light. In fact, I do not think I am built to do so in this plane. That is what darkness is for, I am a creature of both worlds and thus need both to survive as I now know how to. Maybe you are on a different path and I wholly respect that. I simply cannot fool myself anymore, not if I want to grow. I want to understand GOD, all of her, all of him.
St. Augustine asked GOD about GOD's leaving learning in the hands of woman. That made me wonder.VFG

Me, my blog and my universe

I have wanted for years to write my thoughts and how they are so related by those things which move my soul - mainly the power of words - in music, poetry, my heart, lyrics, times and places and spaces. This blog is not about what anything means to anyone else but me. I do not know what others thought or felt when they read something or wrote something or said something. The art they shared moved me and that is why they appear here - no other reasons.
You can read, you can agree, disagree and share but if you dare to judge and hate it is you not me that shall seal your fate. Plus, I will remove your hypocritical and asinine comments! VFG