I used to be frightened but no more.
I have been called crazy and odd and strange and all of those things.
It used to hurt but no more.
I am sometimes asked how I have survived so much pain. How do you answer that question? I cannot say really. The Magic that is GOD. That really upsets Christians because it is so broad. God is broad.
I really had no choice. I was destroyed in the early 90's by what I felt then was the most complete love I had ever had. I was fooled, used, tricked and humiliated. My soul had been bruised and beaten and left for dead, so I died too. I ended up in a safe place of sorts. My supposed lover, my oneness, came after me with lies of love and tenderness and understanding. I followed.
It was not for me and loving me. It was for him. My emotions embarrassed him and his bigoted, putrid father in the no name town they resided. I don't think they were aware that they were viewed as trash in that town long before and long after me on reasons all of their own.
Knowing my life was worth nothing to him. Nothing. Remove me from a safe place to save himself embarrassment with no regard at all for my safety. Never understanding my darkness. Never wanting to. Never even caring. Love me? Never.
He did ask me to stay and live in his parent's basement. Hahahaha. I am pretty sure my leaving caused him embarrassment. Gods forbid.
I carried myself away, Weighted in infinite pain ironically completely EMPTY.
I returned for my things a few weeks later. My glitter had faded, but, my need for him remained. I did not understand it then. He had pushed me down a flight of stairs and left me there. I stayed in a homeless shelter with a group of battered women. I parked my car on the street. I remember the last cold morning. I saw him, red light, his car 5 feet away from mine. No recognition. It was the last time my heart bled for him. Dripping, pooling blood upon the frozen ground as Terry Mikel Krause drove over the bloody pool of my love, smoking a fucking cigarette while it was me that inhaled all of his poison - once again.
So yes, the feeling never leaves. But, I do. I have. My masks grew in number. Ripped of all shine, I still remained. Where was I to go? Who was I? What happened to me? How did I lose myself so easily? Why?
I leave. I have tried to stay. I am not good at staying. I search....
I know so many do not understand me. I may have hurt many, leaving. But, I can never do to another what was done to me. I must be truthful or I just don't love you.
And, for almost all - I do love you. My biggest gift, oftentimes, is leaving. Especially when you cannot do it yourself.
